Grandson

My Grandson will be here in a few days, and I can't wait! Today myself, my sister and my daughter were talking about what men know about babies and it made me remember some of the stuff I've heard over the years. For example:

My friend was breastfeeding her baby in the hospital shortly after his birth and his Dad walked in and stopped dead in his tracks and asker her.....is it ok to have the bandages off when you have visitors?....... He actually thought us ladies had to bandage our breasts after feeding!

Another time one of the dads remarked to his wife that he was amazed that his baby had skin

Dad:      "How will the baby get out"?

Mum:    " well during childbirth the bones of his skull are soft to allow him to come down the birth canal"

Dad:      "Oh. so they have a skull when they are born?"

Mum:    " No, it's just a flap of skin that we blow up to the correct size with a bicycle pump"

At the end of visiting hours: 

Matron:        "Time Please"!

Dad:             "I'll have hers if she doesn't want it"

Matron:        "Excuse me?"                                             

Dad:             " Her pie and peas, if she doesn't want em, I'll have em"

Oh the joys of childbirth lol

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and...... dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
...
The stairway was no......t designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time,there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their fur on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

GARY SPEED

It's a very sad day today. Football has lost one of its most populr managers. Gary Speed was found dead at his home this morning. Apparently he has taken his own life.

The former Leeds United, Everton, Newcastle and Bolton footballer was appointed manager of Wales in December 2010 after retiring as a player in May last year.

My sympathies and condolences go to his family at this awful time.

Every year about this time.

You'll see him at the mall.

A man who is old and slightly bent,

Who once stood straight & tall.

And if you go you'll see him,

For he's there everyday.

Dressed in a Legion blazer,

With poppies in a tray.

Who is this ancient warrior,

Who sacrificed his youth?

So we all could live in freedom,

And all could know the truth.

How many times still in his youth,

Did this man go ...through hell?

How many times watched helplessly,

As his comrades around him fell?

A dollar, a coin or a pound,

It's a small price I pay,

As I take a poppy,

And start to walk away.

Thank you sir the old man say's.

With a voice that's strong and true,

And I turn and look in his eyes,

And say, No Sir... I thank you!

FLANDERS FIELDS

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

John McCrae, May 1915

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . . and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.


You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?






Answer: A Funeral Home


(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

Things I Have Learned As An Adult

You can get by on charm for about 15 mins. After that you'd better have big boobs or a big willy

You are responsible for what you do, unless you're a celebrity

99% of the time when something doesn't work in the house one of your kids did it.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic & give in


No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes!


You shouldn't compare yourself to others. They are probably more screwed up than you


Regardless of how hot & steamy your relationship is at first, the passion fades & there'd better be lots of money to replace it


I've abandoned the search for Truth, I'll settle for a good fantasy instead


Stupidity is NOT a crime, so they let me go.


Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home


Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe

A Funny Tale

I've been having a clear out and have been reading my diaries. I came across this excerpt and thought I'd share it with you:


I was in the main post office in town. The queue was really long and it was taking ages. There was a young woman in front of me with a little lad about 3 years old. When we got to the front of the queue he saw his mum's mate come in and join the back of the queue and was shouting hiya to her. Then, to the obvious dismay of his mum he shouted...."Hey Leanne, me dad come out of prison yesterday and me mum told him to f**k off"


I nearly wet myself, his poor mother was mortified.


But the woman behind me said something equally as funny, if not bewildering. She piped up to her mate..."See, that's what happens when that DHSS place give them a pin number.

I have found the perfect excersise programme for my new get fit regime......


Take one Aero Bar, One Weetabix
Crumble the Aero over the weetabix
and VOILA.......


AEROBIX!

1st Time carving pumpkins

here's some of my pumpkins from this years party. What do you think? not brilliant, but not too bad lol